"Australia’s number one artist and poet" leads us on a guided tour of Melbourne.

The Australian dubbed her “catchier than a pop song” and “as thought-provoking as Hannah Gadsby”. The Project applauded her “putting her potty mouth to good use”. Now, “Australia’s number one artist and poet” and most scrupulous five-foot-nothing bathroom critic Sez makes her Melbourne International Comedy Festival debut.

Armed with her guitar and a mic, the Brunswick comedian presents Digital Footprint, a show that examines her past mistakes via the majesty of song, and runs until 21 April at the Butterfly Club. From vegan sausage rolls to the city’s best bagels and vegetarian Chinese food, here’s how she Melbournes.

My local is Blackcat in Fitzroy and The Retreat Hotel in Brunswick, because I was gaslit in both venues before my frontal lobe developed. The picnic tables at The Retreat make me feel like I’m back in my hometown, and the bar staff have the most traumatic stories and immaculate vibes that feed my soul. 

I know I’m in Melbourne when I’ve been invited to a shindig on the other side of the Yarra River and I have to mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically prepare myself for the journey. Usually it’s worth the trek (I really need to buy a car).

In the mornings you’ll find me at Skydiver Records in Collingwood writing jokes, drinking an oat flat white, editing content and looking at a wall for the five minutes before my meds kick in. 

My defining food moment in Melbourne was when me and my housemates tested out every bagel place within a seven-kilometre radius. They were all fantastic but I keep going back to Mile End Bagels.

When I want to show the city off to friends from out of town, I like to take them for dinner at one of my locals, then to a show at Comedy Republic, maybe pop to a rooftop bar like Her, and if they’re feeling wild, take a cheeky walk up Swanston Street, past Fed Square to have a look at the Yarra (the best river in the world) from Princes Bridge. And – god forbid – if everyone’s up for it, go to a dessert or gin bar, depending on the vibe. 

My favourite place to stock up on supplies is Cheaper Buy Miles! Because coz of livvy is real and I have to budget for my main character Melbourne nightlife moments.

The best new thing I’ve found is Trang Bakery and Cafe in Collingwood (new to me).

When I want to go all out on a special meal, I find a friend that will enable this behaviour or is a really hungover vegan, and hit up meat-free Chinese restaurant Gong De Lin on Swanston Street.

There’s no better value in Melbourne than my first love, the Green Refectory vegan sausage roll for $4.50. 

If I could change one thing about eating and drinking here it would be beverage prices. 

But the one thing I hope never changes in Melbourne is the amount of yapping in this city! This city is for yappers and I bloody love it and I never want to leave or hear a gap in any conversation ever again.

Catch Sez’s debut Melbourne International Comedy Festival show Digital Footprint at the Butterfly Club until 21 April, and follow her adventures at @sez.com.au.